CASE STUDY: A Real Story About Internalisation
One of the clearest ways internalisation shows up — especially for women in leadership — is through the invisible habit of taking responsibility for other people’s emotions.
Let me share an example from my own coaching practice.
The Story
Some time ago, a client came to me with a mix of excitement and exhaustion. She had just been promoted into a role she had dreamed of for years. It was, on paper, everything she had worked so hard to earn: more responsibility, more visibility, and finally, a seat at the table where bigger decisions were being made.
But instead of feeling empowered, she felt anxious and on edge all the time.
The more we spoke, the clearer it became: nearly every sentence started with what her boss needed. What her boss liked, disliked, feared, or expected. She was acutely tuned in to every fluctuation in her boss’s mood — trying to keep things smooth, calm, “good”.
When I asked her what she wanted in this role, she paused. She realised she hadn’t thought about it at all.
How Internalisation Works
This is a classic example of what psychologists call internalised relational responsibility. Many women are conditioned from childhood to prioritise other people’s feelings and needs above their own. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author of The Dance of Intimacy, writes about how girls are often socialised to maintain harmony, even at the cost of self-silencing (Lerner, 1989).
Meanwhile, neuroscience shows that our brains are wired for connection: when we sense relational tension or disapproval, our limbic system (the part of the brain involved in emotion and threat detection) triggers the same fight-or-flight response as physical danger (Porges, 2011). Over time, this can lead to chronic hyper-vigilance: always scanning others, adapting ourselves to avoid conflict, and ignoring our own inner signals.
In my client’s case, this pattern had worked for her in earlier roles — she was liked, trusted, seen as a “safe pair of hands”. But in her new leadership position, it was backfiring. She felt scattered and resentful, and her vision for her team was getting buried under the constant effort of managing her boss’s unpredictable emotions.
What Changed
We started by doing something deceptively simple but profoundly powerful: shifting her attention back to her own feelings.
At first, she found this uncomfortable. Like many high-achieving women, she was used to seeing her own needs as less important — or as an inconvenience.
But in our sessions, she had permission to name what felt unfair, exhausting, or out of balance. We mapped out where she was over-functioning for her boss and under-functioning for herself.
Research shows this kind of awareness matters: according to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s work in The Body Keeps the Score (2014), when we suppress emotions, they don’t just disappear — they live in the body, raising cortisol levels, affecting immunity, and contributing to conditions like anxiety, autoimmune disorders and burnout.
Slowly, my client began to set small, clear boundaries: clarifying what she was and wasn’t responsible for. She practiced naming her own ideas first in meetings instead of deferring. She allowed herself to acknowledge when her boss’s behaviour was out of line — rather than twisting herself to accommodate it.
Each week, I could see her posture change: she sat taller, spoke more directly, and regained excitement about her new role. She realised leadership wasn’t about managing other people’s emotions — it was about being deeply anchored in her own clarity and vision, and leading from there.
Why This Matters
This story is not unusual.
Studies show that women, especially in male-dominated work environments, are more likely to carry the “emotional labour” of smoothing conflicts and absorbing stress (Hochschild, 1983). Over time, this unpaid labour has a cost: it drains energy and makes it harder to access one’s own authentic leadership style.
Healing internalisation starts with one courageous step: making space for your own feelings and needs to exist alongside others’ — not beneath them.
A Takeaway for You
If you recognise yourself in this story, ask yourself today:
Whose feelings am I carrying that aren’t mine to hold?
What happens if I pause and ask: “What do I want?”
Where could I set one small boundary this week, to honour my own limits?
Leadership — and life — flourish when you stop internalising and start inhabiting your own truth.
References
Lerner, H. (1989). The Dance of Intimacy. Harper & Row.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Hochschild, A. R. (1983). The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling. University of California Press.